Bin Laden Insurance

Bin Laden Insurance

No doubt many Americans were relieved when Osama Bin Laden was killed since he was the driving force of 9/11 and certainly many other attacks resulting in the deaths of thousands of innocent people. There were a few people who expressed dismay at his killing and you have to admit that some of his criticisms of immorality, alcohol and drug use and gambling impacting lives of people in the United States were fairly accurate. However I find it hard to be sympathetic to someone who would have his minions slit my throat if they could just find me. Unfortunately he was both an intelligent but warped man who was aware of his precarious situation that he might die at anytime. Realizing this, he took out hundreds of millions of dollars of life insurance with almost all of the insurance companies in the U.S. under his Americanized name, Sammy Laden. All of their investigations and due diligence on him was done under the letter “L” instead of “B”. Fortunately, most insurance companies are smart enough to have resources to accommodate the coverage risk and so few insurance companies are expected to go bankrupt as a result. However they have said with the huge losses stemming from this payout that they are going to have very steep premium increases for American policy holders. Just thought you’d like to know because they are trying to keep this very hush, hush.

©2011 Eric Stamets

Gov. Brown To Extend Energy Conservation

Gov. Brown To Extend Energy Conservation

During last Thursday’s power outage it did not go without notice to Gov. Brown how much energy was saved while the power was out. Not only that, he thought the populace in the affected areas saved millions of dollars in electricity not used. Unfortunately, according to my sources at WikiLeaks, SDG&E used their smart and greedy meters to charge us anyway as if the power was on. Many neighborhoods used the blackout time to have parties, not watch TV and get to know one another. The blackout was probably caused by a worker changing a 2 amp fuse on a critical piece of equipment. As a result of the blackout, Brown has proposed that we have these on regular intervals in order to conserve energy. It would eliminate all the confusion if we knew when they were going to occur and could be scheduled so as not to interfere with football games on TV. He stated, “Look at Libya. They have had uncontrolled blackouts for much of the fighting. Are not we Americans tougher than the Libyans, not to mention all the other countries that have ongoing blackouts?” On a related note, the power outage shut down the nuclear plant at San Onofre. Now if they have to shutdown in a power outage, it proves they are not generating enough electricity to even keep their own light bulbs on. WikiLeaks has just revealed that the two domes only house some dummy equipment to fool us and are actually vaults used to store vast amounts of cash for Edison and SDG&E, one dome for each. The nuclear materials are only there to scare anybody away who might want to steal some of their riches.

©2011 Eric Stamets

Lap Band Billboard Coming To Julian

Lap Band Billboard Coming To Julian

It used to be that you could see the smog drifting down the coast from L.A. and engulf San Diego in a horrible brown stench in addition to San Diego’s own smog. It occasionally could reach as far up as Julian and in spite of L.A. not being smog free it is markedly better with the pollution controls on vehicles than it was in the seventies and eighties. However there is one horrendous pollutive entity that I noticed on my last trip (which could be my last trip) to L.A. On every freeway there were non-stop billboards for lap bands and at the time I had no idea what a lap band was. Now I first heard about “lap dances” when some City of San Diego councilmen were ousted for receiving bribes from one of the adult places where they illegally did this a few years ago. I still truly have no idea exactly what a lap dance is, only it just doesn’t appeal to me to have a woman with almost no clothing on, that I don’t even know or want to know dancing on my lap with spikey high heels. So when I first saw the lap band billboards my mind went ballistic thinking of how this would be more rock and roll than anyone could handle. I soon decided that would be too much for even the largest lap to have a rock band playing on it and from the wording of the signs they must have had something to do with losing weight, since the percentage of overweight Americans is legend around the world. I envisioned it as a band you put on very tightly around your waist like a cummerbund to discourage you from eating too much. I have since learned (I’m still capable of that), that a lap band is surgically implanted around the stomach to restrict how much food a person consumes and is only approved for use in people who have not been able to lose weight through diet and exercise. The procedure is relatively easy and safe and will probably be approved for use in tattoo parlors soon. I finally heard a radio ad about the procedure and it is only a matter of time before these billboards that are spilling down the coast get even closer. Ramona has billboards already that could be used and the Santa Ysabel casino pioneered billboards in this area. Julian overall has a pretty svelte group of residents, but once they find that overweight person, here comes the lap band billboard with a ferocity never shown by even Coke or Pepsi.

©2011 Eric Stamets

Pie In The Sky

Pie In The Sky

The old phrase “Pie in the sky” is scheduled to be changed next month to “Pie in the Ethernet” and has no relation to the wonderful pies of Julian. It used to be that people would go to all kinds of meetings and meet people in person who might be helpful to know in what was called “networking”. I’m not completely sure about this, but on the computer, people were first enraptured with “youtube” and then came “facebook”. Finally we have been assaulted by hearing about whatever anyone is “twittering” about. Even though you don’t actually meet any people this is called “social networking” and it sounds like they got the terminology reversed. Must have been a Congressional decree. “Social networking” certainly must be on the top of the list of 2010 words to be banned. I don’t know how to do any of it, but probably should since I am shut-in much of the time. The trouble is if it really worked it would take too much time and energy to keep up and who wants to know all the events in a shut-in’s life- I got up, took some pills, drank some water, took a nap (for tomorrow, see yesterday). If it didn’t work and no one responded, it would be demoralizing. One such new website that I am really looking forward to is the one coming out next month that I alluded to at the beginning. The new site is called “pieinyourfacebook.sob” and allows you to firmly plant a cream pie on the face of somebody that you either like or dislike in facebook. At least I can depend on this to lift my spirits and since I don’t have anything on facebook, they can’t retaliate.

©2010 Eric Stamets

WikiLeaks Founder Gives Julian Bad Name

WikiLeaks Founder Gives Julian Bad Name

Everyone knows by now the name of WikiLeaks since it has been in the news so frequently lately. Google is even thinking about buying WikiLeaks because they could make so much money off of it. Many things today are named by initials or combining words to form a new one. For instance it is thought that WikiLeaks is a combination of the word “wicked” and a nicer word for “p… on you”. The founder of WikiLeaks is some guy named Julian Assange whose last name sounds like a French word combining the word ”ass” with the word “ange” which is evidently the French word for hole. The thing that is so maddening to the U.S. government is that it brings to light the lies, cover-ups and deceit that are carried out by our fine government employees (who will get pensions anyway) and Obama with his change and (we find out now) his all too transparent transparency in government. Add this on top of the insult that WikiLeaks is more secure than our government’s computers. If Julian Assange had just asked any American citizen, they could have filled him in on all the gory details of how the government lies and deceives without going to all the trouble of going through all the thousands of highly classified and coded “cables” that were somehow easily pilfered. Almost all Americans love our country but we must realize that the virtue of our government is that it lies a little bit less than all the others. Fortunately for the town of Julian, the mayor does not use cables to communicate and usually will prefer to chew someone out in person, which leaves no email trail but sometimes bruises. However since this WikiLeaks guy’s first name is Julian, we are getting repercussions in the gift stores and any business that has Julian in the name because of guilt by association. Sales are way down with anything to do with the name Julian and the mayor is mad it is hurting his hometown. Whatever you do, if you have a child in the next year don’t name him Julian or even if it’s a girl, Julia. They’re not in the top 10 dangerous sound alike names like Aiden, Braden, Caden, Hayden, Jayden, Kayden, Payden and al-Qaden for next year, but still give it a year for the controversy to cool off. Due to its notoriety and publicity it is projected that the most popular boys name for 2011 will be Wiki.

©2010 Eric Stamets

No Pardon For Billy The Kid

No Pardon For Billy The Kid

The outgoing governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson has finally made a last-day-in-office determination of no pardon for Billy the Kid for his role in killing a sheriff. It was expected that Gov. Richardson would cave on the last day in office and issue the pardon because he is a Democrat and keen on following in the steps of Bill Clinton and his notorious pardons as he left the presidential office in order to leave a “legacy”. Of course Billy the Kid is dead as well as the then-Territorial Governor Lew Wallace who evidently offered the pardon to Billy for surrendering and testifying in another murder, so we’re not 100% assured of what really happened in Billy not getting the pardon in 1881. So who cares? Well Mark Lee Gardner, author of a book about Billy and Albuquerque defense attorney Randi McGinn, who volunteered to handle the case for free say they do. McGinn says "A promise is a promise and should be enforced," and Gardner says "Still, regardless of Billy's crimes, the motives of Richardson or the hollowness of posthumous justice, it all comes back to Wallace's promise. A deal is a deal, and 129 years doesn't change that. Billy is owed a pardon." "Why would he [Billy] surrender himself ... unless there was something in it for him?" McGinn asked. Why would Gardner and McGinn make such a ruckus if there wasn’t something in it for them such as selling books and making a notorious legal reputation respectively? Let’s just wait a minute. Lew Wallace was governor and that means politician. Whoever is so naïve to figure that a promise or a deal from any politician might ever come to fruition or be serious for five seconds let alone over a hundred years should be sold a bridge somewhere immediately. If Billy was double crossed by the governor, it fits under the heading of Obama fighting “government as usual” and the tea party fighting “government as usual” which means they’ll both cancel out and conduct government as usual. They have to- they don’t know any other way. Has anyone said they know how to “govern as extraordinary?” In related news, Gov. Richardson traveled to North Korea before Christmas, not as a representative of the U.S. government, but evidently as an emissary from the State of New Mexico in order to diffuse the nuclear tension there (New Mexico is so “in” now). He met with the North's chief nuclear negotiator Kim Gye Gwan and issued a pardon from the State of New Mexico to North Korea. When asked why he had done this, Gov. Richardson replied, “Upon comparing the photograph of Billy the Kid with that of the leader of North Korea, the picture of North Korea’s leader didn’t look quite as demented. Plus I needed a legacy”.

©2011 Eric Stamets

Five Worst Holiday Foods

Five Worst Holiday Foods

It’s truly amazing how it works. The internet knows what you’re thinking and when you’re thinking it. There are all kinds of great Christmas and holiday foods that are special for this time of year and just when you need them, the internet shows you what they are every time you turn it on. It somehow knew not to show me great recipes for Easter which is truly incredible because everything just says “holiday” now and there’s nothing to tell the internet which holiday it is. However, even though there are so many recipes on the internet and some of them are for the unbelievably good dishes available now-a-days, you still have to be careful that you don’t get a hold of a clunker. The internet knows that and also shows you the worst holiday foods to avoid. You won’t find the traditional joke food fruitcake on this list, because I am one of the few people who actually like fruitcake. I’ve been both busy and tired lately and didn’t have time write a regular article so I hope you don’t mind if I just copied some of these off of the internet to share with you.

Turducken- This was the rage this Thanksgiving, but the true version is pretty disgusting and yet considered a delicacy in some foreign lands. You first find some pellets that rabbits leave lying around, to fulfill the first four letters of the dish’s name. Then you hide these inside a chicken put inside a duck, which is then inserted into a turkey. Watch your guests eyes fill with horror when they ask what they have been served and they realize why there is “uck” is the middle syllable of the dish.

Sweet Potato and Peanut Butter Baklava topped with garlic stuffed green olives- The Baklava and olives are definitely Mediterranean foods and the sweet potato and peanut are native to South America. It just shows that if you carry diversity and cross culture synthesis too far you can get indigestion.

Cranberry Licorice Jalapeno Caramel Mint Popcorn- Has more different tastes than calories.

Chocolate and Pumpkin Rhubarb Truffles with Raspberry Jam and Capers- Normally used in a test by doctors to see if you have a cast iron stomach.

Lightweight Ginger Bread House with Gumdrops made out of Rice Krispies with Marshmallow Glue and Sauerkraut added for strength- In the fairy tale, Hansel and Gretel broke a piece to eat off of the full-sized Ginger Bread house that used sauerkraut instead of rebar for strength and gagged on the Rice Krispies.

©2010 Eric Stamets