Clinton Returns Computer Keys To Obama

Clinton Returns Computer Keys To Obama

An 8 year old mystery about whether or not Presidents Clinton’s staff jokingly removed all the “W” keys from the White House computers when George W. Bush moved in was solved when President Obama‘s staff occupied the offices. On the first day, new Secretary of State Hillary Clinton presented President Obama with a plastic freezer bag full of “W” keys for various keyboards and said that “Bill sent them.” Up to now it had not been known if this had been true or just was one of those silly things people make up on the internet. Only now can we appreciate the severity that little practical jokes can inadvertently cause. The typists that were responsible for typing critical and classified reports for the Bush administration found their typing speed diminished because of the missing key and some keyboards had a little metal pin that protruded up and hurt their left ring finger so much, that they had to wear a sewing thimble while typing. The most important report that was slowed down was the one analyzing Iraq’s “weapons of mass destruction” and the invasion was launched before the report could be finished. In fact the rush draft that was requested was hastily entitled “ eapons of Mass Destruction” and had the whole place in a tizzy and set the place back days while they tried to figure out what “eapons” were. In the interest of fostering newfound bi-partisan cooperation, President Bush proudly pointed out that his staff had not removed the “B” keys or the ‘S”timulus keys or even the “$” keys from the keyboards. He said, “It’ll take them at least a month to find out what we did.”

©2009 Eric Stamets

Here Come The Change

Here Come The Change

With the inauguration of President Barack Obama we will start to see the change that he has planned for us. It seems that most of the change proposed so far has been to change career politicians and bureaucrats from old “on the dole” jobs they held and were probably not very good at, to new and changed “on the dole” jobs for hopefully more salary or put them back “on the dole” since they were ousted with Clinton. Obviously he is settling some heavy campaign support debts he incurred on his way to election to the White House. If you think that this is an unfair and one sided attack against our incoming president, you’re wrong. He just happens to be standing where everyone is now pointing their keyboards. It would have happened if John McCain or even Ralph Nader had been elected- they just have different cronies. Americans just think, “Well that’s the way it was the last time and the time before that and the time before that and so on, so that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Hopefully after all the change, we won’t be on the street corner asking for the spare variety of it or even worse, feel like we’re involved in the change of a diaper.

©2009 Eric Stamets

Trick Or Treat

Trick Or Treat

This last Halloween several area residents were dismayed when groups of uncostumed kids in their late teens came to their doors trick or treating for candy, a custom they assumed was reserved for younger children in their cute costumes. They turned the youth away empty handed and were very relieved to wake up the following morning to find that their house had not been TP’d or vandalized. About a week later however, some of them reported that their computers had been attacked by a virus that had a little jack-o-lantern icon that wiped out their hard drive. Another neighborhood discovered about a month later, after they had gotten their credit card statements, that all the neighbors that had turned the urchins away had suffered from identity theft and massive unauthorized charges on their credit cards.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Schwarzenegger Proposes Toll Road Through Cuyamaca State Park

Schwarzenegger Proposes Toll Road Through Cuyamaca State Park

Yesterday Gov. Schwarzenegger unveiled plans that would convert the existing Hwy 79 through Cuyamaca State Park to a 4 lane toll road. He said that he had driven through there once before and the curves made the highway unreasonably slow and he felt nauseated. He had never seen a road like this in either Los Angeles or Sacramento. Now that the State Park has been badly burnt in the Cedar Fire, people want to get through there fast anyway. You have to pay a fee to drive through a National Park, so why not our State Parks too. This project is not expected to have the scrutiny and opposition of the toll road at San Onofre State Park because it not a new road, but simply an improvement of the old one and will be declared part of the Strategic Fire Mass Exodus Corridor (SFMEC)- this name was picked over the suggested alternate, SCRAM (Strategic Corridor Removing Angry Masses). Please have exact change ready in the event of an emergency when the electronics don’t work. He stated that with modern earthmoving equipment, he expects the road to be as straight as I-8 between Alpine and Descanso. It will be a triple win for the state because the toll road contractor has to pay to maintain the road, yet the state gets to keep the money from taxes it would have had to normally use for maintenance plus gets a usage royalty from the contractor. If the state can also extract a park fee for driving through, it would be very lucrative. The state can use the money to buy new firemen plus a vowel. How can you not love this. Schwarzenegger would also like to see a gas station at Paso Picacho in case someone can’t afford to get enough gas in Alpine or Julian for the trip through. When asked why he wouldn’t allow offshore drilling, but would allow the toll roads through Cuyamaca and San Onofre State Parks, he replied, “We must protect our beaches at all costs-there can be no exceptions. We need new toll roads so that we can get to the protected beaches.” He also said he had some other great ideas for the State Parks but they’re still in the planning stages. “First I think it will be the Cuyamaca toll road, because it’s easier to slip it through, then the San Onofre toll road, then the Sunrise Powerlink through Anza Borrego. This is just part of my program to take on the special interests, like the people who use the State Parks, those who use freeways and those who oppose new powerlines.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Happy Days Are Here Again

Happy Days Are Here Again

With the election of Barack Obama to president, 53% of the people were heard to exclaim and sing the old song “Happy Days Are Here Again.” 46% of the people were heard exclaiming that the world would continue on its way to hell in the solar system’s largest handbasket. The interesting point is, upon examination of the record, neither of the candidates promised to make anyone happy. They promised to raise taxes and to lower taxes, find out how to lower gas prices and provide jobs for everybody and their broker, but happiness, even just the pursuit of it, never even crossed their minds. But large corporations are singing the happy song too. Since the passage of the campaign contribution limit of $2300, it now only takes $2300 to buy a politician instead of the hundreds of thousands of dollars they used to have to spend. President-elect Obama could not be deterred from giving another blazing acceptance speech and refused to look up when prompted by the crowd listening to see the huge woven basket handle extending across the sky from horizon to horizon.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Fax Machine Commandeered By Aliens

Fax Machine Commandeered By Aliens

Local residents may not have met Edna Trumble yet because she just moved to Julian this winter. She retired last year from 29 years of teaching the hard of hearing. She got all situated in her home and then we had one of those brownouts, not for lack of power but because the ferocious winds had knocked some lines down. When the power resumed, she received a fax which, much to her dismay, showed an image of what appeared to be a menacing looking alien being, talking mid-sentence while gesticulating wildly with all four arms. She now receives quite a few faxes a day and is trying to piece them together like in old time animation. In spite of her considerable training and experience, she is having trouble making out any message because she has never read lips that are quite like these. She thought it was probably someone’s prank at first, but she has caller ID and found that the caller’s number had a twenty digit area code. She called the number back and got a recording in a very strange sounding language that involved sounds like grunts and burps and didn’t know if she was supposed to leave a message- they may not have beeps there. She is now involved in a dispute with the telephone company over a bill of several hundred thousands of dollars.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Drunk Donkeys Terrorize Julian, Cal.

Drunk Donkeys Terrorize Julian, Cal.

As always, the Grape Stomp at Menghini Winery was great fun and a success. Inadvertently however, someone left several large buckets of the crushed grapes out after the fest. One night last week, a couple of donkeys strayed from their enclosure and found their way to Menghini’s, no doubt drawn by some interesting odor. They consumed a great quantity of the fermented grapes with very predictable results. The donkeys became extremely energized and unpredictable. They left Menghini’s looking for some fun and because of the loud ruckus, were seen swimming nude in a nearby pond. Then by chance they happened upon the road leading to town. Upon entering town, it was so late that everything was closed, but they did find some local habitués sitting around on some benches and so gave vigorous chase. They also happened upon some late night skateboarders on the sidewalks and had some special fun with them with the end result clearing the town of anybody on the streets. They then made life difficult for the person who loads the newspaper dispensers at night and for the bakers arriving at that late hour to bake pies for the next day. The bakers were chased into their shops and couldn’t come out to their cars and so they called the sheriff. If you are a baker and don’t recall this happening, it was your night off. The donkeys then randomly roamed around town and may have broken up a crime in progress. By the time the sheriff arrived, the donkeys had tired of the fun and games and had wandered back home. Their owner found them collapsed and sound asleep the next morning in their pen with the gate wide open and with an implied “Do not disturb” look upon their faces. The sheriff is looking into whether there is a way to deputize them.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Death Takes A Toll On Health

Death Takes A Toll On Health

Studies have shown that stress from dying and even death itself takes a major toll on our health. Stress from dying can cause actual changes within our bodies and even affect the whole body. Dr. Soduko Ramji, a researcher at an institution with a government grant said, “Studies on rats that were being killed have shown that this process was very stressful to them.” How does this translate into information we can use on humans? He said, “We don’t know. With current laws passed by Congress we are not capable of carrying out these important experiments at this time. These experiments have been previously carried out in many other countries, but the data were lost or severely compromised. With a change in administrations and a more sympathetic Congress, maybe these onerous and limiting laws can be changed.”

©2008 Eric Stamets

California Supreme Court Forces Lottery Name Change

California Supreme Court Forces Lottery Name Change

Under the new regulations of the new Proposition that passed last year entitled Truth in Naming Law, the California Lottery has been forced to change its name to the California Voluntary Tax Program. Since the Supreme Court upheld that the Propositions and laws must be renamed truthfully and retroactively, there has been a flurry of activity in Sacramento to get the job done since almost no laws or propositions passed can now be referred to by their original names. All the State employees have been disqualified from participating in the renaming process, because of the conflict of interest clause in the new law. The State government has been trying to hire outside consultants to help in the renaming process, but unfortunately almost all of them have been disqualified from participating in the process because of the conflict of interest clause. To become a consultant, most of them hang around with lawmakers and those activities and lobbying disqualify them. It seems the only possibility is going to be to form a new Truth In Naming Commission, but it is going to have to be made up of ordinary citizens who volunteer. They will not be able to be paid, for that would make them a state employee and they would be disqualified.
There are no approved names yet except for the court ordered lottery name change but most of the informally suggested names so far all use the word “scam” in the title. Most people questioned said they didn’t remember voting on this proposition, but then they didn’t remember what they were voting on in any of the other propositions from previous elections. Finally a proposition that might work.

©2008 Eric Stamets

San Diego Gets $9 million from transportation Proposition 1B- Julian gets nothing $10 billion Proposition 1A for bullet train on Nov. ballot- Julian

San Diego Gets $9 million from transportation Proposition 1B- Julian gets nothing
$10 billion Proposition 1A for bullet train on Nov. ballot- Julian will get nothing

The distribution of money from the borrowed $19 billion Proposition 1B transportation bond approved by voters was announced earlier this year. This is not to be confused with this election’s Proposition 1A which, if passed, would make a borrowed $10 billion down payment on the estimated $40 to $80 billion more needed to be borrowed to build a bullet train from San Diego to San Francisco with a spur to Sacramento for the state’s politicians. It probably wouldn’t go anywhere until the $40 billion to $80 billion in additional funds appeared like borrowed magic. All the more reason for Gov. Schwarzenegger to implement his plan to have California print its own money. San Diego is receiving their $9 million share from Prop. 1B borrowing to be used for new buses. This is .047% of the total to be given out all over California, which is the percentage that Sacramento cares about San Diego. Julian’s percentage reflects the amount Sacramento cares about Julian, but not the amount Julian residents will pay in taxes for the Propositions. Gov. Schwarzenegger said, “…we can stimulate the economy, reduce traffic congestion and protect the environment by reducing greenhouse emissions” by throwing borrowed money at this problem. San Diego will replace old diesel-burning buses that are expensive to maintain and are beyond their useful life with cleaner-burning, more fuel efficient new ones. The old ones will probably be sold at ridiculously low prices down into Mexico where they are in the prime of their useful life and are cheap to maintain. The beauty of this is that the old bus greenhouse emissions then become their problem, not ours as long as the Mexican air stays on their side of the border. Caltrans Director Will Kempton said “…the money is giving the state’s struggling economy a badly needed boost. For every $1 billion of borrowed money we can put out there… we are gaining 18,000 jobs.” Let’s see, 18,000 x19= 342,000 + 18,000 x minimum of 40 if 1A passes= 720,000= Total of 1,062,000 new jobs, probably more- we can build a huge new city somewhere! The wonderful thing is that we can tax those people heavily too, to help pay back the borrowed bond’s interest. Most of the vehicles and equipment being purchased and contractors involved in the program will come from out of state. The $29 billion from just these two Propositions is $14 billion more than the $15 billion the state was short this year so far for its entire budget (the $15 billion is not reduced by the amount Gov. Schwarzenegger just borrowed to make it look smaller.) Fortunately for the people of California (taxpayers) the costs for these Propositions are only in billions of dollars.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Schwarzenegger's Tax Hike Over The Top

Schwarzenegger's Tax Hike Over The Top

Tax analysts have released information that if Gov. Schwarzenegger's tax raises go into effect, they will have achieved their goal and the average Californian will pay 109% of their income in taxes, both apparent and hidden such as federal income tax, state income tax, state sales tax, federal fuel tax, state fuel tax, social security tax, disability tax, unemployment tax, medicare tax, inheritance tax, transient occupancy tax, car tax, excise tax, property tax, personal property tax, the California Voluntary Tax Program (known as the California Lottery before the passage of the Truth In Naming Proposition) and all the rest of them. The total does not include government fees, which they can raise to exorbitant amounts because they are not taxes, house insurance, car insurance, health insurance, long term care insurance, worker’s compensation insurance and things considered consumer discretionary items such as mortgage payment, electricity, gas, phone, water, trash, internet, TV service and food. The State Attorney’s Office just released the official definition of taxes and fees- “When it’s something you don’t want to pay, it’s a tax; when it’s something you really need, it’s a fee.” The state’s new tax goal is 120% of each taxpayer’s income. The tax analysts refused to name an alternate state to move to because so many people leaving California and rushing to that area simultaneously would cause massive disruptions and problems. The only good thing about the situation is that we don’t have Governor Herod in office, who would make us buy the gas to go to the city of our birth to pay the taxes.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Airlines To Charge For Clothing

Airlines To Charge For Clothing

In a very surprise move this week, three airlines announced that they were going to levy an extra charge for those passengers who were wearing clothing. They explained that clothing worn by a passenger was technically unpacked baggage and therefore subject to their fees. They feel they can withstand any legal challenge, but do have a clause which provides an exemption for anyone who can prove they were born with clothes on. There has been quite an uproar after this announcement and so in the interest of public decency, they have said that they would let people wear underwear without charge. They said if their financial prospects don’t improve after this round of fees, there are others in the offing. Toupees, pacemakers and artificial joints are termed “attendant accessories” and are not part of the passenger and could be subject to fees in the future if the airlines get desperate. People are advised to start replacing gold and silver fillings with synthetic because the synthetic is lighter and therefore would incur a smaller charge.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Al-Qaeda Almost Destroys U.S. Economy By Buying Houses

Al-Qaeda Almost Destroys U.S. Economy By Buying Houses

Banks Can’t Believe They Didn’t Somehow Profit
It was just discovered this week that the U.S. economy has been under an attack by Al-Qaeda in what is thought to be the financial equivalent of 9/11. However, this time there were only a few actual deaths and those were by investors that jumped out of high rise buildings on their own volition. The plan evidently worked like this: A kinda middle eastern looking man and a covered woman would go to the bank and make a down payment on a house by peeling brand new hundred dollar bills off of a giant bundle. The bankers were so dazzled by the show of actual cash that they forgot to ask for income statements and social security numbers. When queried on where they got that much cash, the purchasers would respond that they owned a convenience store and didn’t pay income taxes. “Sounded reasonable to me,” said one banker through a voice changer, who wouldn’t give his name or location. When asked if the money could have been counterfeit, the banker replied, “We couldn’t tell. It looked good to us, but we had our suspicions. On some bills, minute errors made by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing had been corrected. On other bills, Franklin’s nose hairs were shown in their historically accurate length and not cosmetically enhanced.” The purchasers would always offer the asking price or more for a house, pay the down payment and take out an adjustable rate mortgage, make one or two payments, in cash, move out and let the house go into foreclosure. They would do this repeatedly and would have at least 4 or 5 houses in escrow at the same time. When asked how this could happen, the banker stated that the purchasers never used the same name twice. The bank’s computers didn’t pick this up. For instance, one time it would be Mohammed el-Rahbi and the next time it would be Robbie el-Mohammed and then el-Rober Mohammed. One application had the name Faque el-visYohammeridin. Also, all the men had moustaches and looked kinda all alike and they couldn’t get a good description of the women other than robe color, which was black. It is not known how many teams were active, although it is now clear they had many unsuspecting low income black, white, Hispanic and Asian accomplices. One couple has been detained in the case. They have admitted to have been working for Al-Qaeda. When asked if they were advocating the violent overthrow of the United States, the man answered through a translator, “No, violence won’t be necessary.”
©2008 Eric Stamets

California To Print Own Money

California To Print Own Money

In a brash move to prevent next year’s budget crisis and to pay off this year’s deficit, Gov. Schwarzenegger announced he would be proactive, not just proactor, and in an effort to try to permanently cure California’s budget crisis and deficit without raising taxes, the state will start printing its own money. Yes, he said he was aware of some obscure law that gives that right to the federal government, but how long has it been since someone has actually gotten the law out and read it, the majority of people aren’t even aware of it. Plus it talks only about coins and California will only print paper money. He feels that it’s one of those archaic and unenforceable laws and if he had been born in the U.S., he would be president and could do what he wants anyway. Besides, look what the federal government gets away with by having that ability and since California’s economy is one of the largest in the world and larger than most country’s, it’s only fair. He feels he has really already covered any possible legal challenges. He would not call California’s money “money”, but instead “yenom” (remember that?) Anyone heard calling it money would be fined and imprisoned. That way the federal government wouldn’t have even a peg leg to stand on. California could then easily come up with the amounts it needs after it finds a source for some very special paper. When asked what would back the new yenom, he said there was plenty of gold in storage in the ground in California. To accelerate the yenom’s acceptance, he is working on a special deal (rumored to have involved cigars and a tent on the capital lawn) with the casinos so that when chips or tokens are bought, the customer would receive a bonus if they are purchased with the new yenom and the casinos would pay out only in yenom. That ought to do it. No report on what it would cost the state or if they’re even worried about it. To make things easy and interchangeable, there would be a locked-in exchange rate of one Califony to one dollar, which hopefully will make them acceptable everywhere. Even though he is not dead yet, the governor plans to have his likeness on the one Califony bill, with a cigar in his mouth. O.J. Simpson would be on the fives to tens. Tribal leaders of the largest casinos would appear on the higher denominations.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Schwarzenegger To Balance Budget By Converting All Freeways To Toll Roads

Schwarzenegger To Balance Budget By Converting All Freeways To Toll Roads

At a press conference today, Governor Schwarzenegger had another brilliant inspirational vision and declared that he is converting all the freeways into a toll road system. They would be renamed freetoways. This is part of his declared war on special interests. “The people who use freeways are the largest and most powerful special interest group in the state- their free ride is over,” he stated. “The state will make billions and won’t have to give any to the Indian casinos. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier. Drivers need freeways even more than they need gas. Without freeways all they can do is since in their driveways idling and wasting gas. They can’t go anywhere.” Under the plan, an annual expensive permit will have to be bought for each vehicle that uses the system, plus there will be electronic pay for usage, similar to toll lanes now in use. Each suitcase in a car would carry an electronic tag and also incur a charge. “The system is designed so it won’t even slow you down. Speeding tickets will be based on how fast you get to your exit, saving on CHP expenses. At the end of the month, everyone will get a huge bill and our troubles are over”, he said. “We will make enough money to balance the budget and we will have enough to buy the existing toll roads and make them free.” When asked if there would be any exemptions, like for instance, economic hardship, the elderly, school buses or Cal Trans vehicles he declared, “No, we want that money too. California will become the richest state in the world.”

©2008 Eric Stamets

Santa To Skip California This Year

Santa To Skip California This Year

The children of California don’t have to worry- Christmas will come this year. Whatever toys and presents their parents and family can afford and the festivities in and out of their home will provide them with a merry Christmas. However as of now, Santa Claus will have to take a pass on bringing any presents or goodies into the state. The reason is that Gov. Schwarzenegger wants Santa to pay sales tax on everything he brings into the state in addition to DMV license fees on his sled to help balance the state’s budget. Also the sled and reindeer don’t meet California’s pollution and emission requirements for vehicles and the governor is demanding a vehicle that uses clean natural gas. Santa argued that he couldn’t pay the tax because he doesn’t have any money, just glad tidings and goodwill to all men. He also claimed he was a delivery man, like UPS, but he just happens to dress in red because it’s such a more festive color that goes with his sled and besides, UPS doesn’t pay the sales tax. He asked, “Is this red suit to the tax collector like a red car is to the highway patrol?” In addition, California loses out because nobody pays sales tax on internet purchases from out of state. Plus, if the governor passes the proposed increase in sales tax, people will be driving to Oregon in droves, where they pay no sales tax, to buy things there instead of in California. Gov. Schwarzenegger said this was just another of the special interests he’s taking on, specifically Santa’s clients (He threatened, “Don’t you dare publish that they are children.”) The governor might let Santa off the hook if he provides an itemized list of all his deliveries so that he can charge the recipients or their parents the tax. But once again we have to take a break from all of these daily concerns and remind everyone to remember that Christmas is based on love and the willingness to give of ourselves to others. Merry Christmas!

©2008 Eric Stamets

Schwarzenegger Finds Cause Of Problems

Schwarzenegger Finds Cause Of Problems

Gov. Schwarzenegger has been dealing with many frustrating problems this past year. The flatout bankrupt state budget and the recalcitrant state legislature are what he thought were painful thorns in his side. However, over the holidays he had time to pause and reflect. While undressing for bed one night, as he was posing to admire himself in front of a mirror, he noticed that his underwear had been tied in a knot. He wondered aloud, “How long has this been going on. Who did this? That’s why my side didn’t hurt and something else did.” The most likely suspects are his personal valet who sets all of his clothes out for him, joking children, the Democrat Party or the Republican Party, or a ticked off wife. We’ll keep you posted and see if solving this problem will help with the state’s financial crisis.

©2009 Eric Stamets

U.S. Government Revealed As Giant Ponzi Scheme

U.S. Government Revealed As Giant Ponzi Scheme

With everything getting more scrutiny in light of the December 2008 indictment of a major Wall St. broker for running a giant Ponzi scheme, everyone immediately pointed to the Social Security System, but it has been revealed that there are bigger fish to fry. The biggest found so far, and theoretically the biggest possible, is the entire United States government. But records are made to be broken. If you are not familiar with a Ponzi scheme, it is where an entity delivers high returns but is devoid of enough assets to cover its liabilities and has to continually take in money to support the outflow. Plus Mr. Ponzi’s estate gets a royalty for allowing the use of his patented, guaranteed to work again and again product and trademarked name. The investors, such as current recipients of Social Security, that get in early and out early, create such an aura of success for the scam that soon everyone wants in on the deal. Everyone’s “due diligence” did send up warning flags years earlier concerning Social Security, but the government’s sales slogan gibberish of “the full faith and credit of the United States” suckered everyone else in including many foreigner investors. What a great PR firm the government hired on that one. The only slogan polling higher was “Mom and apple pie”. The credit is now gone and the faith is fading fast. It shows how gullible people are, especially Americans, because they just keep sending more money in. The U.S. General Accounting Office has offered vehement denials, saying that it is definitely not a Ponzi scheme, but is a deficit.

©2009 Eric Stamets