A Few Computer Common Terms Explained Finally Clearly Nearly
©2009 Eric Stamets
Solution- As I best recollect, my definition of a solution was cemented in Mr. Jensen’s algebra class in high school. The only thing I ever got out of a computer solution was a new problem. Now everybody’s using it. The local plumber uses it in his business name. I’ve seen him install many different pipes and plumbing fixtures but I know of only one kind of plumbing solution.
Preferences- Why does a computer ask you for your preference and then go off and do what it damn well pleases, completely ignoring your feelings. Actually, I thought computers could only compute and completely ignore feelings- well they do.
Garbage in, garbage out- I have been very careful with my antivirus software and website selection and don’t consider any of them garbage compared to what I’ve been getting out of my computer. So I tried a little experiment where I inserted just a little bit of garbage at a time into the computer through the DVD. It’s funny, but my computer seems to run faster and I’ve actually been getting less spam (See next entry.)
Spam- You just pick up this term from others real fast and assume it means a lot of stuff you don’t want and some of the emails are real salty. Spam™®©∞ has never appeared on my list of all-time favorite foods, but I’ll tell you in my younger years, after having spent 2 months camping throughout Mexico, finding a can of Spam™®©∞ to eat was a heaven sent gift. We just dug in and yelled “carne”.
Support- If a computer company knows what they’re talking about, it’s suitably complex so you can’t figure it out and they can make a lot of money off of it, they will “support” something. If they don’t, they won’t. I was just trying to find someone who could “fix” the damn computer. I have a computer that’s been apart so many times, the screws stripped and I had to buy a supporter to hold it together.
Provider- Actually, they don’t provide anything. You provide the monthly check and anything else your kids ask for that the computer needs and then you get to use the internet which is there anyway.
Address- This little box that sits on your desk evidently needs what is called an address, which in reality is a registration number, only they can’t admit it. I already have two free addresses- a street number and a P.O Box number. However since it helps you get your email, they call it an address. Then all the email arrives, no stamp, postage due. You just send another check in at the end of the month.
Protocol- I still don’t know what this is, but the only time you heard this word before there were computers was in something to do with the government. Now you hear it used with computers all the time which proves that the government is spying on us with our computers.
Hardware/software- Boy at first this was a toughy but someone explained it to me like this: The kitchen oven is the hardware, the double chocolate fudge brownies the software; the microwave the hardware, the cold leftover spaghetti the software; the blender the hardware, the banana, strawberries and juice the software; let’s skip the dishwasher right now.
Driver- In acoustics, a driver is simply a technical name for a speaker which can actually be shown driving the air, like a pile driver, that produces the sound. In computers they are something that you can’t see, never have enough of and then usually have the wrong one. The name derives from the phrase “to drive a person crazy.”
Illegal Operation- The first time I got this message, I stood spread out with my hands against the wall for 15 minutes until I realized there was no one else in the room. I know ignorance of the law is no defense, but I have no clue what I did to that poor computer. I have decided that the next time my computer catches me with an illegal operation, it will probably surreptitiously turn me in over the internet and so I plan on shooting it before it can act.
Fatal error- Aargh, plop!
