Free Bluetooth Implants At The Townhall This Tuesday

Free Bluetooth Implants At The Townhall This Tuesday

Everyone realizes how convenient it is to have a cell phone these days. In fact a system using cell phones may be the way our identification is done in the future, because not everyone has a driver’s license. But the laws are changing regarding the widespread use of the phones in cars. A lot of people, but not all, also realize how stupid they look with the current earpieces hanging off the side of their heads. Some of them still won’t give them up because they think they’re in a Star Trek movie or something. It is indisputable how ugly these things are that no amount of chrome or rhinestones can hide. A program has been developed to come to everyone’s rescue. You can go to your favorite electronics store- it can be a big box, a medium or little box, it doesn’t even have to shaped like a box- and buy the Bluetooth ©®™ surgical implant kit. Do not open it, as it is surgically sterile and bring it to the Townhall on next Thursday. Funded by a grant, there will be a qualified implant technician there to carry out the procedure. To ensure privacy, the procedure will be done behind a big sheet that we will hang from the ceiling. The ensuing shadow show should provide quite a bit of entertainment for those waiting though. The procedure involves only a small incision behind the ear (you’ve been hurt worse), and either a new piercing through the ear or an existing one can be used for the microphone. There will also be a small replaceable battery dangling behind your ear, but it can be decoratively hidden. A new jewelry line for decorating the microphone tube and battery called Microcharms ©®™ will be available. No more hunk of junk on your ear.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Bypass Proposal For Julian Revived

Bypass Proposal For Julian Revived

After lying dormant and completely forgotten for years, the proposal to construct a bypass around Julian has reared its ugly head again. When no one could agree, in the past, about exactly where the bypass would go, the proposal languished and was almost forgotten about and left for dead. Time and technology have brought a new proposal to the planning group. Now, instead of a highway somehow around our town, the contractor would simply drill a tunnel from one end to the other. This eliminates all the objections except from all the businesses and those who didn’t want any bypass at all. It’s a big dream but the new, more economical tunneling techniques and the fact that the contractor would get the mineral rights to gold and anything else found while they are digging make it actually feasible. The contractor has stated that if they happen to find some rich veins, Julian could end up with an underground parking lot as a bonus. It would also have been nice to coordinate this project with the powerline undergrounding that will start soon in town. Now they will have to mess with all those wires hanging down overhead. They said that current shoring techniques guarantee that there could be no collapses and that no businesses would be in danger of falling into the tunnel. Anyone who lives on a slope who would like to have a flat lot is asked to contact the contractor. There is currently no funding for the project, but you never know when Caltrans will accidently find enough left over in their budget. They can’t transfer any money to their mortal adversaries teachers and firemen, so a project like this will happen when you least expect it. Remember, if you don’t dream, you’ll never be disappointed.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Obama Spreads The Wealth, Nothing For Julian

Obama Spreads The Wealth, Nothing For Julian

Now that President Obama has been inaugurated, he can start on his expressed goal to share the wealth. This is in the form of what is called a “stimulus package.” A “package” is something that is wrapped neatly and that the U.S. Postal Service will accept for mailing. The “stimulus package” that was passed has been carelessly wrapped with exposed sticky duct tape and is so covered with dog hair that it couldn’t make it out of Julian’s Post Office, even though the workers there would bend over backward to help you. There was nothing in the “package” to keep the hundreds of Starbucks open that are closing- where’s the stimulus in that? Without their coffee the population of the United States will get drowsy and go to sleep. There were many people who supported Obama from Julian. However there weren’t enough votes to catch his attention and so there won’t be any wealth spread out here, not from any earmarks, not from any birthmarks, not from any marks made by desperate fingernails trying to hang on, not even from a butt tattoo mark. After the election, the TV news showed all of the exuberant supporters cheering wildly, as if the gravy train was about to arrive. For those in the right areas it is about to. As for Julian, it’s a bad place to be if there’s a wildfire and it’s a bad place to be when the spreading machine starts spraying out money. The machine, which is modified from one of those huge fertilizer spreaders on giant corporate farms, is so big it can’t make the tight curves coming up here and doesn’t have enough power to carry it up the hill. The machine will be confined to those areas with straight roads or freeways. If that news isn’t bad enough, the tax machines that suck the money out of your bank account are built on a Humvee chassis, have a beak like a mosquito, can go anywhere, even break through bank doors and have a special mattress flipper attachment on the rear.

©2009 Eric Stamets

SDG&E Loses Soul

SDG&E Loses Soul

Everyone knows that no matter what religious or non-religious persuasion you are, that a soul is the most important thing there is. A corporation is a legal entity that allows a large number of people to loan just a little bit of their soul to a business so that they, as individuals, won’t get their butts sued if the business does something wrong. Recently SDG&E has discovered that they misplaced their corporate soul. If not found, it won’t significantly affect most shareholder’s souls, since they each contribute a very small part. Some larger shareholder’s souls could be severely impacted, though. SDG&E probably put their’s into storage or hiding at some past time when they were involved in a project that their soul strenuously objected to. SDG&E has many storage buildings and sub-stations with good hiding places and it could now be covered with dust and unrecognizable. They could have folded it very tightly and placed it in a magnetic keyholder under one of their trucks. The truck might have ended its service life and was sold. Their soul could be unknowingly at work every day at some Mexican utility. SDG&E authorities are now trying to act concerned and are endeavoring to replace the lost soul before some upcoming PUC hearings make them look very bad as being the only one in the room with no soul. They also think that the loss of their soul can explain the illogical and erratic decisions they have made lately. You can see SDG&E executives in suits and shiny shoes and lower minions in green polo shirts with logo scouring Kobey’s Swap Meet every weekend in the hopes that someone found their soul and will sell it back to them. They also created a full time position to search Ebay but have only succeeded in buying some used trucks back from themselves. They would even settle for a used soul from a suitably large company that has gone out of business, such as Enron. When we remarked, “That’ll cost the company quite a bit and might require a rate hike,” the executive replied, “That’ll be no problem.”

©2008 Eric Stamets

State Lawmakers Demand Milk And Graham Crackers

State Lawmakers Demand Milk And Graham Crackers

In an apparent attempt to prove Gov. Schwarzenegger right for once, this week state lawmakers demanded milk and graham crackers. They also said they had to have a nap in the middle of the afternoon legislative session. Gov. Schwarzenegger had commented on how it was like a kindergarten in the legislature trying to get a budget passed, alluding to his vast experience of having been in a movie. It’s good he didn’t refer to another of his movies because he probably would have taken the entire legislature out with a high powered firearm. The Democrats issued a counter statement stating that everyone has heard it wrong and that the old adage says that “you can squeeze blood out of a turnip.” At any rate they didn’t think there were that many turnips grown in California and they would have much better luck with avocados, strawberries and tomatoes. In another development, the Republicans in the state legislature demanded that the Democrats be taught to count to 2/3.

©2009 Eric Stamets

Old Dome Proposal Brought Up

Old Dome Proposal Brought Up

There’s probably very few, if any, people left in Julian who remember the hare-brained idea of putting a dome over the Julian Townsite that was put forth in the early seventies. Back then it was just an interesting idea that somebody came up with for no good reason at all and never lead to an actual proposal. It s origin is traced to a resident who muttered something about how there should be one after slipping on an icy sidewalk and excited a lot of people when they heard about how cool town could be by air conditioning it for the months of July and August. It’s a shame that the cantankerous originator is no longer with us having long ago passed up to that great snowdrift in the sky. Well someone was cleaning out some boxes and the original plans popped out and voila! Like the bypass, another long forgotten project whose time may have come with improved technology. Once again, absolutely no money is available to consider the construction, but the mayor knows this guy named Vinny who can help. If the town can raise enough to pay this consultant, he can slip it into an up-coming state ballot proposition that is for the benefit of babies and mothers. After all, if babies and mothers won’t benefit from the dome, who will? With the state budget out of whack by such enormous amounts, no one will even notice the cost. The mayor said if we had been a little bit further along in the planning, it would have been able to be slipped in on the federal bank bailout bill and would have been a done deal and we could have gotten the bypass tunnel to boot. With the new president, we also have a chance to see if it can be slipped in on the new bailout. Vinny says his contact in the Obama administration is very smart and cleverly concealed his tax problems, so it looks good. Infrastructure will be the in thing and if this isn’t infra, I don’t know what is!

©2009 Eric Stamets

Julian Declared Holiest Town In U.S.

Julian Declared Holiest Town In U.S.

It seemed like it was a long time coming, but in May, after drilling one more hole in Main St., Julian surpassed our nearest rival in becoming the holiest town in the U.S. With more certain to come, it will be tough for any other town to beat this record. There have been so many holes drilled in the past years, that some people are concerned that too much has been removed and downtown Julian could collapse. The drilling company assures everyone that Julian is sitting very securely on what was once solid rock and that there is no need for any concern whatsoever, unless there is a severe earthquake. In that instance the weaknesses might fracture and allow one side of Main St. to conveniently slide a little closer to the beach. At this point, who knows who the lucky property owners would be. The drillers are scheduled for a presentation to the Planning Group seeking approval for construction of a small shrine to the drilling record at Main and Washington. It would be modest and consist of a couple of core samples that the drillers would kiss as they left town, in the hopes of returning for more. In expectation of the record verification, everyone is holding their breath, hoping that testing will not show any performance enhancers in the water.

©2008 Eric Stamets

Obama Fair Game

Obama Fair Game

After the presidential inauguration, the TV comedians (the comediocrats) declared that the kid glove pass that they gave President Obama during the election campaign is over. They all figure that the public response to him, which resembles a sedative on serotonin, will wear off sometime during the year and if they can’t make jokes about the president, no matter who he is, they will be deprived of their late night livelihood. They can’t make jokes about McCain anymore because he’ll probably just go back to schlepping cases of beer off the delivery truck for his wife and what’s funny about that. The comediocrats don’t realize that they were just like mortgage brokers selling sub-prime loans while George W. Bush was in office giving them joke material and the glory days are over. Even newspaper writers are not planning on giving Obama any more breaks. If, as president, Obama pulls everything off as perfectly as he thinks he will, the comediocrats are in a heap of trouble because of a lack of material and could be facing massive layoffs. We can expect to see unemployed comediocrats at stop lights with a cardboard sign saying, “Will tell a joke for food.”

©2009 Eric Stamets